My name is Eric and I’m a sex addict.
I don’t know when I became addicted to sex, but I do know that I have always had a strong fascination with nudity and sex; and I have memories of sexually charged incidents that go back to my preschool days. I have always been unable to resist the opportunity to look at girls and women in a sexualizing manner. My obsession has been centered around voyeurism and fantasy. I have never had the nerve to sneak around and look into people’s widows, but I have always been alert to any voyeuristic opportunities in daily life.
As a child I never was able to fit in with my peers, so I isolated myself physically and socially from them. I was always in trouble in elementary school for daydreaming in class. I created a complex and on-going fantasy world in which I was respected and looked up to for my wisdom and abilities. I created characters and scenarios that were developed and replayed for months on end. There was always a component of nudity and sexual play in these fantasies. I had my own place in the world where I was safe and competent - and isolated.
When I discovered masturbation my fantasy world became even more sexualized and I masturbated almost daily. At the same time I was very shy and reserved around girls. I had few girl friends, and while I dreamed about what it would be like to be sexually involved with them, I never fully acted on that desire. I see this as the grace of God in action.
By the time I entered high school I had developed my own sexual value system that essentially said that any activity was acceptable, even desirable, if there was mutuality and no one was “harmed.” In this value system I was the understanding, sensitive, and benevolent hero of my daydreams. At the same time I was extremely conservative and modest in my outward behavior. Many of the boys around me were having more real sexual experiences than I was and I was judgmental of their attitudes, language, and behavior. I was beginning to develop a double standard.
About the time I entered high school my life took a significant turn as I got involved in church and became a Christian. I was attracted to all that Christ stands for and the life lived by many of the people in the church. They had something I desperately wanted. I became very active in the church, attended Bible college, and entered the Christian ministry.
All the while my fantasy life and practice of masturbation were continuing. I admired and accepted the Christian standards of sexual morality and I did a good job of adhering to them outwardly. I was faithful at church, worked at Bible reading and prayer, and attempted to control my covert sexuality. In the control part I was powerless.
Over time I managed to perform some mental gymnastics that had just enough truth in them to pass for legitimacy, but I did have some inner boundaries that saved me from the worst that my obsession with sex could have produced. I made a commitment to refrain from sexual intercourse outside of marriage, to set firm boundaries on sexual behavior I would engage in outside of marriage, and to consciously avoid behaviors that would reveal my preoccupation with sex. All the while that preoccupation continued unabated. Early on, I would not purchase pornography, but whenever I had the opportunity to view it I would.
My strategy worked pretty well. I was a virgin when I got married. I have been faithful to my wife. I have raised two daughters in a sexually safe environment. I have avoided any close encounters of the sexual kind outside of my marriage. I think I have a good reputation in my church and community.
However, over the years I have brought erotic materials into our marriage. Occasionally I would secure a pornographic magazine. There was a cycle where I would collect these materials and then get rid of them, have a more or less extended period where I wouldn’t use such materials, secure more - and go through the cycle again.
In 1998 I discovered how to access pornography on the
Internet
and my addiction took hold of me. In a very short time it affected our sex life and my wife asked me if I was using pornography on the computer. I confessed and went through over a year of reading, counseling, and seeking accountability with some close friends. In January and February of 1999 I had two relapses and confessed when questioned by my wife again - I had encouraged her to ask about how I was doing. That was the only attempt at accountability that worked and I’m glad it did.
In the introspection that followed I realized several things.
- I realized I was addicted to sex and I was powerless to control viewing pornography if given the opportunity to do so.
- I realized I enjoyed the rush the pornography gave me and I did not want to give it up.
- I realized that with the Internet my addiction was progressing and would continue to progress until it would impact my life and the lives of others in devastating ways.
- I realized I would loose the things I valued most if I did not find a way to change the direction in which I was heading: my marriage, the respect of my children and my ministry, - to mention the most important.
- I realized that all my knowledge, all the counseling, all of my spirituality (as it had developed to that point), and all that I had to loose could not keep me from acting out if I remained in isolation.
- I realized that I could not promise anyone that I would remain free of pornography, but I thought I could make a commitment to working a twelve-step program.
- Probably the most painful realization was that I was a hypocrite, play actor, someone who appeared one way to most people and who was something else on the inside. That really rocked me because I had consciously worked very hard at being a person of integrity. When I realized how I had been living a lie, even to myself, I was almost literally physically sick. And you can imagine that as a Christian leader that was more devastating than the sexual addiction itself. I immediately shared what was going on with one of the elders of my church and with three of my fellow ministers who were long-time friends and prayer partners. I questioned whether I should resign from the ministry. I was encouraged to continue and work for recovery. For several months preaching was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. But people began to notice something good in the messages they had not heard before. Maybe it was more humility, a greater sensitivity to people who struggle - I don’t know. But I’m getting ahead of the story.
I called the SAA
number, met with two men young enough to be my sons, and walked into my first SAA
meeting.
God surely has a sense of humor. When I walked into that first meeting there sat a young man whose parents are members of my church! I knew I was dead meat if I did not get the help I needed, so I simply prayed that he would respect my anonymity. If my anonymity was blown the consequences could not be worse than what would happen if I did not overcome the addiction. After the meeting he approached me, welcomed me, and assured me that my anonymity was safe with him. That was a wonderful gift!
Since entering the program I have not violated my inner circle boundaries of using pornography and masturbating to pornography, but that is only the beginning of how things have changed for me in the program.
I have a group where I can talk openly and without shame about my addiction and learn from others who suffer from the same affliction.
My wife is the most loving and supportive friend in my life, but I can’t and shouldn’t depend upon her to give the kind of accountability and impartial feedback that I need.
My SAA friends help me to not only keep my inner circle boundaries, but they help me to understand and learn from middle circle issues as well. When someone talks about their experience, strength, and hope around issues that are important to me I learn so much about myself and how to respond to similar situations.
In the group I know that if I am having a hard time with something or even if I have a relapse there will be no relational fall-out. All I will hear is, “Keep coming back!”
I have friends who give me the kind of support and accountability I need.
Before I got in the program I made many efforts to find support and accountability in battling my sexual obsession.
I attempted to practice the spiritual disciplines of the Christian faith in a variety of different formats and different times.
I mentioned my obsession with sex in private counseling on more than one occasion only to have the subject overlooked. (I grant that I many not have mentioned it as strongly as I thought.)
I was part of a prayer group with fellow ministers for over ten years in which I shared my struggle with pornography. They were loving and supportive, but did not seem to understand how pervasive it was for me. They seldom brought it up and I felt uncomfortable bringing it up. The result was that I could let the matter slide.
I read numerous books on “personal holiness,” character development, and sexual issues, but increased knowledge was no help against the desire to act out.
This program is the only place I have where there is a single-minded emphasis upon gaining freedom from sexual addiction. This is what I needed all along.
The tools of the program have helped me to move beyond simply not acting out.
It might be helpful at this point for me to share elements of my outer circle that describe my program of recovery.
Recognizing that I cannot avoid contact with sexually arousing images:
- I will practice the three-second rule and consciously remind myself to avoid, resist, etc. dwelling on or replaying those images, sensations, or situations.
- Attend at least one meeting each week, two if possible.
- Daily read from Answers in the Heart or similar devotional.
- Keep up my practice of exercise at least three days a week.
- Inspirational reading and prayer with my wife five days a week.
- Continue meeting with one of my church elders on a weekly basis, when he is available.
- Continue my bi-weekly prayer group with my friends.
- Continue correspondence with my children and others via email and snail mail.
- Focus upon my wife for sexual stimulation and gratification.
- Engage in any activity that moves me toward health and involvement with reality rather than
simply checking out. Reading, model building, taking a walk, cutting and stacking wood,
calling on church people in person or on the phone, or even just sleeping.
- After a year in the program, Offer myself as a sponsor in the program and be diligent in carrying out that responsibility when given the opportunity.
There are three items in this list that I have not been consistent in practicing, though I continue to think they are very important, and I continue to work on being more faithful to them.
- Read from program literature at least five days each week.
- Devote some time to step work at least five days each week.
- Call my sponsor or fellow group member at least five days each week
The tools of the program have taught me how to know when I am entering questionable or dangerous territory and take note of what is going on in my life and in my mind.
The really good news is not how long I have remained free of my acting out behavior, but the extent to which I have improved in the area of my middle circle behaviors. My fantasy life has been strongly curtailed. I consciously avoid surfing the TV for sexually stimulating programs and I have renewed my commitment to not get cable or satellite TV. I seldom scan department store ads for lingerie advertisements. These and other similar behaviors have been dramatically curtailed because of the constant reminders and helpful ideas that I receive in the program. I never had that kind of focused support before.
Lest it sound like I have all these behaviors well in hand - I don’t. I’m just reporting significant progress over anything I had experienced before.
I have not been able to do much service work in the program itself, but I have several men in my church who have come to me with sexual struggles and I have been able to offer them experience, strength, and hope that seems to be helping them. A minister friend of mine has even availed himself to the wisdom I am gaining from the program. Something as negative as sex addiction has opened up opportunities for more effective service to others. I receive that as a gift from God.
Since I have been in the program my relationship with God has improved.
As a Christian I have desired a closer personal relationship with God, but there always seemed to be something in the way.
While working my second Step I realized clearly for the first time (it had crossed my mind before) that my sex addiction was a major hindrance to my relationship with God.
When I was using pornography, masturbation, and fantasy to medicate myself I never allowed myself to be in a place where I totally depended upon God to do for me what I could not do for myself. I’m still not there like I want to be, but I do believe my relationship with God is improving.
My relationship with my wife is better than ever before.
We have been married for over 33 years.
We have had a good marriage, though not always a peaceful one. We have remained in love with each other, but that has not prevented us from having significant conflict in our relationship. Our sex life has always been very good, and yet that did not keep me from violating my marriage vows in spirit if not in deed.
Soon after I became involved with SAA my wife became involved in COSA. I think she would agree that this has been the best season of our marriage in every area: emotionally, spiritually, and physically.
The fact that we are each working our own program of recovery has given us a basis for more healthy boundaries with one another and a common experience in recovery that we can talk about without fear of hurting one another more. The fact that we each have a sponsor to talk to when it would not be wise to talk to one another is invaluable.
Even if only one of us were working a program, the outlet to talk to someone who is understanding and supportive, but impartial, would make a huge difference.
Another gift of the program is the emphasis upon developing a new way of life through a spiritual awakening.
I am encouraged to focus, not so much upon not acting out, or even avoiding middle circle behaviors - as to develop a new way of living that brings wholeness and integrity to everything I do.
The more I work the program, the more I have the freedom to become the person God created me to be. I am hopeful that the final period of my life will far surpass all that has gone before.
But I want to emphasize that I do not yet consider myself sober. To use the language of NA, I am clean, but I am not sober. I still crave to engage in middle circle and inner circle behaviors. If I become complacent and let up for any length of time I believe I would relapse. I don’t know that I will ever be free of my addiction, but I long for and hope for the time when the desire to act out is no longer part of my daily experience. Then I will use the term sober in its full meaning for me.
And by the way, I have no problem with anyone else using the word “sober” to describe themselves anytime they wish. I use it myself in a general sense. Just now I’m talking about my own inner awareness of where I am in recovery.
Finally, I am so thankful for the people that I have met and come to love who I would never have crossed paths with apart from my addiction. My world has been enlarged and immeasurably enriched by all of them.
It is true that in this program I can retain my beliefs and convictions regarding the spiritual, social, and political issues of our time - while learning from those who differ from me in just about every way imaginable.
I am thankful for structure of the Twelve Steps and the
Twelve Traditions that make this a safe place for all of us. A challenging place to be sure, but a safe place. I appreciate the discipline to practice Tradition 10: “Our fellowship has no opinion on outside issues; hence our name ought never be drawn into public controversy.” I think it just as important that our senior members have taught me not
to allow public controversy to come into the fellowship as well. The principles of the program ever remind me to talk about my own stuff and listen well as others share their experiences. It is freeing and healthy to focus on my own story and my own recovery in the knowledge that I can help others only to the extent that I gain what they might want. And I might say that I am working to take that same attitude into other areas of my life as well.
I thank you for being here and giving me the opportunity to share a bit of my story with you. Take what you like and leave the rest.
---Eric S.
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